Azkaban: The Final Battle
by silphalion
Summary: A spoof on HP fanfiction because I was bored. Harry has been in Azakaban for years, and Voldemort has come to finish him off. Dumbledore and the Order try to interfere. Includes character death. HP/BL


Tonight it would finally end. After years of war, in which he and his minions almost completely crushed the opposition, the self-named lord, Voldemort, was going to take out the only one who might have a chance to stop him. Now that victory was on the horizon, what with the Ministry completely taken over and Dumbledore's order left to only a dozen or so surviving members, it was time to fulfill the prophecy and remove the only chance of his defeat.

This is how we find Lord Voldemort and a dozen of his most trusted _Cruciatus_ practice dummies, a.k.a. his Inner Circle, making their way through the dreaded wizarding prison, Azkaban. The Death Eaters made quick work of the few guards stationed there, and the dementors drifted to other parts of the prison as their new lord approached. His destination was the deepest pits of Azkaban, where the most dangerous criminals were placed.

Finally reaching his destination, Lord Voldemort let out a laugh as he looked through the small barred window in the cell's door. Inside was a pile of rags that, if someone looked close enough, contained a man in his mid-twenties. Not wasting time, Lord Voldemort blasted the door off its hinges and sent had one of his bitches drag the body into the more open hallway.

The same moment that Lord Voldemort opened his mouth to start his meticulously planned out and practiced bad-guy speech, Dumbledore and the remaining order appeared with the soft pop of apparation at the other end of the hallway.

Lord Voldemort gained his trademark scowl at being interrupted and said, "Ah, Dumbledore and his order. To what do we owe the pleasure? Perhaps you are here to witness the end of Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, or more recently, the boy-who-killed." With this last comment, his scowl turned into a smirk and his eyes quickly turned to his death eaters. Noticing their lord discretely glancing at them, the assembled started cackling with laughter at their lord's joke, all the while hopping that their hesitation wouldn't land them a round of scream-till-your-throat-bleeds.

"Hello Tom," said Dumbledore. "We are here to end this once and for all. I cannot let you continue with this foolishness. Lay down your wands and repent. Show that you truly regret your crimes and all will be forgiven," said the insane old man. "All will be forgotten and think of all the good you could accomplish."

Lord Voldemort gazed at Dumbledore strangely for a minute, thinking he couldn't possibly have lost his marbles that much. But, it appeared that he was serious. "Hahaha. I think not Dumbledore. But, you are correct. This will be the end. After I finally kill Potter, there will be no one who can stand in my way," Lord Voldemort boasted as he cast an impenetrable barrier keeping Dumbledore and the order from progressing any further.

Turning towards Harry Potter once again, Lord Voldemort took a breath, ready to finally give his speech. This time, it was interrupted by the voice of Ronald Weasley. "What do we care if you kill that traitorous bastard? He killed Ginny. He deserves to rot. Stupid bloody Harry Potter, he always gets everything. A vault full of gold, Quidditch team in first year, all those hot girls lusting after him, Triwizard champion…." As the red-headed douche continued his rant, every person present tuned him out.

Lord Voldemort turned to Dumbledore with a growing smirk on his face. "Ah, the death of Ms. Weasley. Yes, I remember that well. It was quite easy to have Wormtail sneak into Hogwarts in his rat form and steal a few strands of Potter's hair. And a Polyjuice Potion from Severus allowed him to take Potter's form. After that, it was child's play. That bumbling fool of a minister, Fudge, hated Potter enough to deny him questioning under Veritaserum, allowing my brilliant plan to go off without a hitch."

Throughout the tale, Dumbledore's and many of the order member's expressions became grimmer and grimmer. "Ah, I see. A very well construed plan, Tom. I see there is no way I could have stopped this. Though I routinely use Legilimency on everyone to catch a glimpse of their thoughts, it would have been wrong to invade Harry's mind when he was accused of murder. And as Head of the Wizengamot, it would have looked bad if I went over Fudge's head and followed the law by having Harry questioned while under Veritaserum, as is his right."

Lord Voldemort nodded with a smile, happy that Dumbledore saw the brilliance of his plan. "Yes, and now that realize you sent an innocent man to Azkaban for almost 10 years, the only man who might have had a chance to stop me, I will destroy the last of your hope. Azkaban has turned the great Harry Potter, the Chosen One, into a comatose shell of his former self. It is time for Harry Potter to die."

Finally, Lord Voldemort turned to Harry Potter, again, to deliver his brilliant final words to the boy-who-was-about-to-die. Lord Voldemort almost burst into tears when he was interrupted for a third and final time by an unexpected source. "There's only one problem with that plan, Tom," came a voice from the pile of rags on the floor. "I'm not that comatose." And with that, a mid-twenties Harry Potter leaped out from inside the rags.

At the same time, two random order members turned towards each other and said together, "Cheeky bastard. He's not that comatose," repeating the last phrase over and over as a cheer.

Everyone else was focused on Harry Potter, with his shiny, perfectly straight and smooth, flowing black hair that reached his mid back similar to a girl's, or an emo douche. His beautiful green eyes struck fear into all the males, and made every female around drenched with desire for no discernable reason. He was wrapped in the most expensive, exotic, powerful, and dashing robes available in the world, that hung to his perfectly chiseled and sculpted body. "Hello Tom."

"Potter," Lord Voldemort uttered in disbelief. "How? You should be an empty shell by now. I've seen how you are affected by dementors. There is no way you were able to survive around them for 10 years."

"You are correct, Tom," Harry said with a nod. "Normally, I wouldn't have lasted a week here. But by a lucky coincidence, on my first day here, I discovered that I am the first one since Merlin who can perform wandless magic. My super-charged wandless Patronus was easily able to keep the dementors away from me."

"That still doesn't explain how you are in such good health. You have still been stuck in that tiny room for 10 years," said Lord Voldemort triumphantly.

"Ah, I simply apparated myself to Diagon Alley, used my also recently discovered Metamorphmagus abilities to change my appearance, got a few billion galleons from one of my dozen vaults, and had the time of my life. Oh, I also got a few wicked tattoos, wanna see?" Harry didn't wait for a reply as he removed his shirt to show dozens of tattoos all over his upper body, ranging from a giant black dog, to a werewolf, to a phoenix, and even a giant pot-leaf tattoo, that made no real sense for his to get unless he was a character in a fanfiction whose author needed to put a piece of himself into the story.

"Enough of this Potter. It is time for you to die. Get him," Lord Voldemort motioned for his whipping boys to subdue his target.

All the Death Eaters, save one, approached, only to be obliterated by the most amazing display of magic since Merlin himself, so amazing that it can't even be described here. No fazed by the use of so much magic in the slightest, Harry turned to his nemesis with a raised eyebrow. "Is that all you got, Tom?"

Lord Voldemort turned to his most trusted and loyal underling. "Bella, I want you to make him beg for mercy," he ordered her with a smirk.

Bellatrix approached Harry with a maniacal smile on her face. Harry made no move to stop her, even as she got close enough for him to feel her breath on his face. Before anybody could even process what was going on, Bella leaned in and gave Harry the most erotic, sensual, loving kiss any of the assembled had ever seen.

Lord Voldemort screamed out in a fury, "Bella, what do you think you are doing!"

Harry turned to answer after enjoying the kiss for a few minutes while everyone was paralyzed with shock. "Sorry there Tommy old boy, but Bella is my crazy, kinky, love-slave wife."

"What," screamed Lord Voldemort with a mixture of rage and confusion. "How is that possible? And she killed your godfather. I remember you trying to _crucio_ here not even ten minutes after the fact."

"Ah, that is simple enough to answer," explained Harry. "When I first arrived at Gringotts after escaping here, I was informed that I was the new Lord Black. Because Sirius was never convicted of a crime, he remained Lord Black and made me his heir. He left me a copy of Bellatrix's marriage contract, which mentioned that she was forced to obey her husband's will. After easily killing Rodulphous, she was freed from his control, and placed under mine as Lord Black. Within a day or two of her coming to see me for protection, we were going at it like rabbits."

Lord Voldemort wanted to be angry, but after Harry finished explaining what happened, he was forced to recognize the brilliance of Harry's maneuverings. "I must congratulate you Potter, you were able to turn my most trusted and powerful to your side. But it matters not. You will still die here today," Lord Voldemort said as he raised his wand.

"I think not Tom," Harry said before he performed an even more powerful and impressive bout of magic than earlier, making it even more difficult to describe. The result of this magic left Lord Voldemort crumpled on the floor next to his destroyed wand.

Looking up from the ground with a sneer on his face, Lord Voldemort said, "It matters not if you defeat me today, Potter. I will return." Lord Voldemort was confident that his super secret, perfectly hidden, impossible to find soul containers would ensure his return one day.

Harry Potter was happy to crush his hopes. "Oh, if you mean those horcruxes of yours, I already took care of them. You are mortal now."

"Impossible," Lord Voldemort said in disbelief.

"Sorry Tom, they're all gone. And now, so are you." A final piece of magic ended Lord Voldemort's existence. Harry then turned his attention to the others assembled. He idly noticed that Ron was still in as corner muttering to himself about the unfairness of the world.

"Harry my boy, the prophecy has finally been fulfilled. However, I am disappointed in you," Dumbledore said in his grandfatherly voice. "You should not have killed all those psychotic, murdering, rapist bastard Death Eaters. They deserved a second chance to live a happy, peaceful life."

Harry shook his head. "They got what they deserved."

Dumbledore sighed sadly. "I see. You have fallen to the dark Harry. I must now stop you before you cause any harm. It is clear that you have to die. You are too far gone to receive a second chance."

"Save your lies, headmaster," Harry said with a sneer. "I know all about your manipulations. You ignored my parents will, you locked Sirius up without a trial, sent me to the Dursleys, blocked my magic, erased my memories, dosed me with love potion, stole from me….", five minutes later, "…and got me locked up in Azkaban."

Dumbledore was momentarily shocked that Harry was able to discover everything that Dumbledore had done to him, especially considering he had been manipulating the wizarding world for the last 50 years with no one ever finding out. He was momentarily confused about Harry had been able to work this all out, especially since he didn't do particularly well while in Hogwarts, but quickly realized that Harry must be a secret genius and only hid his abilities to remain friends with Hermione and Ron.

Noting the shocked looks on the faces of the rest of the order, Dumbledore decided he would modify their memories later, after he dealt with Potter. Then, he could continue on with his true goal of ruling the wizarding, or being heralded as the greatest wizard ever for defeating two dark lords, or becoming Minister of Magic, or something to that effect. It wasn't really important at the moment.

"You leave me with no choice, Harry," Dumbledore said as he raised his wand.

"So be it," said Harry. Harry utterly destroyed the unknown-until-now Dark Lord Dumbledore with another display of magic. Turning to the remaining order members, Harry said, "Well, I guess I'll see you all later. I need to go revolutionize the wizarding world over night. After all, I am the head of Potter, Black, Evans, Merlin, Le Fey, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and about a dozen others, and they all come with a seat in the Wizengamot. I need to single handedly take over the government, becoming the new dictator, to make changes as I see fit." Harry turned towards his sex-slave/wife and grabbed her hand, ready to leave, before he turned back to the order one last time. Looking at all the female members present, he said, "I'm also going to need a wife for each of those families."

With a final smirk that made each woman present want to drop to their knees and promise to do each and every sexual act known to man, whether they ever considered doing it before or not, if they could be one of his wives, Harry and Bellatrix apparated straight to the Ministry to forcibly change the world.

Back in the corridor of Azkaban, Hermione Granger could be heard questioning, in her whiny, know-it-all, superior tone, "But it's not possible to apparate into or out of Azkaban. I read about it in _Azkaban: A History_." She also conveniently forgot that she and the rest of the order had arrived by apparation into the corridor not 20 minutes prior. 


End file.
